TobiasFunke82's Blog

A darkly intriguing trailer, critical acclaim and David Cronenberg at the helm made Eastern Promises one of my top fall picks sight unseen. However, this movie could not be a bigger disappointment and is grossly overrated.

What exactly is making every critic on the circuit hail Eastern Promises as an exceptional cinema masterpiece? I feel like I have been About Schmidted once again, only this time bloody gore takes the place of a nude Kathy Bates, which is still graphic and scary, but nowhere as frightening as Bates’ full figure.

Cronenberg and Mortensen first teamed up in the surprising hit A History of Violence. Their first outing was obviously their best since that movie had every element of a truly great movie; sharp script, explosive violence, a turbulent relationship and an original concept.

Unfortunately, Eastern Promises is less History of Violence and more like a really bad episode of The Office. Much like The Office, Eastern Promises has a couple of captivating scenes, but enduring the entire length of the film is not worth the couple of payoffs the viewer receives.

The critiques I have read explain Eastern Promises as; “gripping acting,” “flawless scenery,” “a tight simplistic plot” and “a modern day Godfather.” Did we watch the same movie? The script is so lethargic and lackluster that it appears the screenwriter was constantly shrugging his shoulders as he wrote it as if to say, “well, its ok, but nothing outstanding.”

The groundbreaking twist that is being so highly revered was so cliché I actually gritted my teeth in disgust when it was revealed. I thought Cronenberg had much more respect for an audience given the fact he used to only be a cult icon, and one that chose originality over box office appeal. Speaking of box office, Eastern Promises did not even make a million dollars opening weekend, which in Hollywood means a complete and utter failure.

I simply am not ready to drool all over this movie when I was left wanting so much more. The slap in the face ending leaves us no closure and is the straw that broke the camel’s back. We all know Butch Cassidy and The Sundance Kid don’t have a chance in hell when that movie concludes, but Eastern Promises could have gone in numerous directions, none however are addressed.

I cannot help but be reminded of Entourage as I reflect on Eastern Promises. Perhaps Eastern Promises had a young dimwitted producer like Eric in over his head because Eastern Promises is the Medellin of the fall movie season.

Let’s stop all the artsy fartsy complex movie reviews and see Eastern Promises for what it really is – an unfulfilled promise.

3:10 to Yuma

A couple of years ago I insisted to all that would listen that Christian Bale, Russell Crowe and Johnny Depp are the three best actors in Hollywood. I still stand by this statement today, and feel that the torch has been passed from cinema greats like Robert Redford, Paul Newman and Robert Deniro onto this new group of fantastic actors.

Apparently someone out there was listening because 3:10 to Yuma pairs Bale and Crowe together and the outcome is beyond quality acting. These two foreigners ditch their accents and come across as more American than apple pie, and consequently breathe new life into a dying genre in Hollywood – The Western.

Bale and Crowe have a unique bond that keeps the viewer guessing are they friend or foe? Their brilliant acting, combined with an authentic depiction of the lifestyles and hardships of the late 1800’s will certainly make 3:10 to Yuma a contender this Oscar season.

Bale is so dedicated to his acting craft I often wonder if he is able to separate his intensity in real life scenarios. To me, he is the best of the best right now and I hope that the academy finally recognizes his talent. His career is full of legendary characters. Check him out as an adolescent boy in Empire of The Sun and you will be blown away by the fact a kid upstages everyone else in the film, even John Malkovich. However, my favorite Bale film and coincidentally my favorite male performance of all time is Bale’s depiction of Patrick Bateman in American Psycho. After reading the book by Bret Easton Ellis, I cannot even picture anyone else in the role. It’s insane that he did not even receive a nomination for best actor for his role in American Psycho.

Bale and Crowe both have awesome projects to look forward to in the future – Crowe in American Gangster and Bale in The Dark Knight. With leading men like Bale and Crowe, instant classics are still a possibility in a movie industry plagued by run of the mill, cliché garbage.

Fun Fact:

Bale dropped an amazing 63 pounds for his role as the emaciated insomniac Trevor Reznik in the film Maquinista, El (2004) with only a single vitamin consultation with a nutritionist to guide him. For the most part, he only ate salads and apples, chewed gum, smoked cigarettes, and drank nonfat lattes. Gained it all back for Batman Begins, but could not even do a single push up when he first starting training.

I left the movie theater Friday cheesing from ear to ear because I was so satisfied with the completely over the top Shoot Em Up. To onlookers it may have seemed that I just stepped out of a comedy due to my permanent grin, but the culprit was an action packed bloodbath.

Laughing at a bloodbath of bullet riddled action? Am I some kind of sick weirdo? Not at all because Shoot Em Up presents itself in such a stylized, humorous manner, that it’s quite ok to be amused by such brutality.

Clive Owen plays a nobody, a drifter, who uses food stamps and crunches more carrots than Bugs Bunny. He sees a pregnant lady about to be executed and feels the need to intervene. For the next two hours, he outlandishly kills over 200 bad guys, plays the role of father figure to a newborn, makes love to a prostitute (while killing a bad guy brigade) and continues to heartily eat his vegetables.

As if the movie could not appeal to me more, the only thing that stops a crying baby is Heavy Metal music. The newborn is soon equipped with an Ipod full of metal and a bullet proof vest to protect him from stray bullets. Many of the scenes incorporate Heavy Metal classics from Motorhead, Motley Crue and AC/DC, which provide the perfect accompaniment to imaginative gun battles that will leave you thunderstruck.

The constant humor and vicious performances by Clive Owen and Paul Giamatti makes Shoot Em Up one of the three best movies of the summer. (The other two being Superbad and Knocked Up and I have yet to see 3:10 to Yuma).

So if a movie is so twisted and superb, why did such an immediate classic only rake in 5.5 Million this weekend? People, go see this witty depiction of gratuitous violence that will without a doubt leave you cinematically fulfilled.

When I look back on the life changing events throughout history, I often ask myself what is the worst decision ever made?

Was it sharing the atom bomb technology with Russia back in the 40’s?

The Vietnam War?

Crystal Clear Pepsi?

For me the worst decision ever made is simple: FOX cancelling the funniest sitcom of all time Arrested Development. The painfully funny Arrested Development was so brilliantly written it frankly was above the head of the average Joe TV viewer. No sitcom in the history of television has ever tied separate story lines together as well as Arrested Development. And then of course there is the perfectly casts cast.

Scene stealer Michael Cera, who played George Michael on the show, is the definitive blank slate actor. His commitment to being void of personality is now on the big screen in the comedy hit Superbad.

Since the dawn of the Superbad trailer back in April, I have been overjoyed knowing that George Michael has a career after Arrested Development.

Cera’s signature acting style will without a doubt cause him to be typecast, but why shouldn’t it? No one can deliver a quirky shy performance like Michael Cera and I look forward to any future projects he makes.

Superbad is a brutally hilarious illustration of the common adolescent male. The two best friends played by Cera and fellow newcomer Jonah Hill, will certainly go down in comedy history as one of the best portrayals of true high school brotherhood. The movie, much like other Judd Apatow/Seth Rogen films, never lets up on the vulgarity, but still as dirty as it is, comes across as sweet and genuine in typical Apatow fashion.

The aspect of Superbad that appealed to me the most was that it was heavy on observational humor, and not joke after joke after joke. It made me feel good and reflect on my past endeavors, like an X-rated version of the Wonder Years. The movie will appeal mostly to guys hence why three 16 year old girls left halfway through the movie. I associated their early departure with immaturity, and failure to see humor in non Adam Sandler movies.

Underneath the booze and sex of the film, is the real storyline of that one particular friend that helped make your high school years tolerable. Enjoy seeing a little of yourself in the boys of Superbad.

When I look back on the life changing events throughout history, I often ask myself what is the worst decision ever made?

Was it sharing the atom bomb technology with Russia back in the 40’s?

The Vietnam War?

Crystal Clear Pepsi?

For me the worst decision ever made is simple: FOX cancelling the funniest sitcom of all time Arrested Development. The painfully funny Arrested Development was so brilliantly written it frankly was above the head of the average Joe TV viewer. No sitcom in the history of television has ever tied separate story lines together as well as Arrested Development. And then of course there is the perfectly casts cast.

Scene stealer Michael Cera, who played George Michael on the show, is the definitive blank slate actor. His commitment to being void of personality is now on the big screen in the comedy hit Superbad.

Since the dawn of the Superbad trailer back in April, I have been overjoyed knowing that George Michael has a career after Arrested Development.

Cera’s signature acting style will without a doubt cause him to be typecast, but why shouldn’t it? No one can deliver a quirky shy performance like Michael Cera and I look forward to any future projects he makes.

Superbad is a brutally hilarious illustration of the common adolescent male. The two best friends played by Cera and fellow newcomer Jonah Hill, will certainly go down in comedy history as one of the best portrayals of true high school brotherhood. The movie, much like other Judd Apatow/Seth Rogen films, never lets up on the vulgarity, but still as dirty as it is, comes across as sweet and genuine in typical Apatow fashion.

The aspect of Superbad that appealed to me the most was that it was heavy on observational humor, and not joke after joke after joke. It made me feel good and reflect on my past endeavors, like an X-rated version of the Wonder Years. The movie will appeal mostly to guys hence why three 16 year old girls left halfway through the movie. I associated their early departure with immaturity, and failure to see humor in non Adam Sandler movies.

Underneath the booze and sex of the film, is the real storyline of that one particular friend that helped make your high school years tolerable. Enjoy seeing a little of yourself in the boys of Superbad.

Die Hard 4, Live Free Or Die Hard doesn’t suck?

But, how?

It’s the first Die Hard installment to be rated a mere PG-13, and it features the gangly nerd from the snobby Macintosh commercials.

I thought for sure I would be rolling my eyes, and cussing the filmmakers for Die Hard 4, but only twenty minutes into the film I was grinning at every sequence.

The more I reflect on the action film the more I like it too. I laughed myself to sleep last night thinking of one of John McClane’s witty remarks.

Any fan of the greatest action movie ever made (the original Die Hard) will certainly find Live Free or Die Hard wildly entertaining. The body count is just as high as the others, which shows you can kill as many people as you want, just don’t say the F word.

As the terrorist scenarios for each Die Hard evolve and become even more ludicrous than the last, I find myself wishing that a bad guy would finally punch Willis to which he laughs and replies, “Ha, I’m John McClane.” It would perfectly sum up how you cannot kill this dedicated cop, and that the audience loves it.

The action scenes were insane, the new villain Timothy Olyphant is one of my favorite up and comers in Hollywood and the icing on the cake was a shockingly original ending.

Go see this movie—you kind of even wind up liking Justin Long; just a little.

I guess I can quit trying to injure myself at work so I meet the requirements for workmen's comp; I already have an affliction:

This is real news, offbeat yes, but still real:

MAN GETS SICK BENEFITS FOR HEAVY METAL ADDICTION:

June 19, 2007

A Swedish heavy metal fan has had his musical preferences officially classified as a disability. The results of a psychological analysis enable the metal lover to supplement his income with state benefits.

Roger Tullgren, 42, from Hassleholm in southern Sweden has just started working part time as a dishwasher at a local restaurant.

Because heavy metal dominates so many aspects of his life, the Employment Service has agreed to pay part of Tullgren's salary. His new boss meanwhile has given him a special dispensation to play loud music at work.

"I have been trying for ten years to get this classified as a handicap," Tullgren told The Local.

"I spoke to three psychologists and they finally agreed that I needed this to avoid being discriminated against."

Roger Tullgren first developed an interest in heavy metal when his older brother came home with a Black Sabbath album in 1971.

Since then little else has mattered for the 42-year-old, who has long black hair, a collection of tattoos and wears skull and crossbones jewelry.

The ageing rocker claims to have attended almost three hundred shows last year, often skipping work in the process.

Eventually his last employer tired of his absences and Tullgren was left jobless and reliant on welfare handouts.

But his sessions with the occupational psychologists led to a solution of sorts: Tullgren signed a piece of paper on which his heavy metal lifestyle was classified as a disability, an assessment that entitles him to a wage supplement from the job centre.

"I signed a form saying: 'Roger feels compelled to show his heavy metal style. This puts him in a difficult situation on the labour market. Therefore he needs extra financial help'. So now I can turn up at a job interview dressed in my normal clothes and just hand the interviewers this piece of paper," he said.

The manager at his new workplace allows him to go to concerts as long as he makes up for lost time at a later point. He is also allowed to dress as he likes and listen to heavy metal while washing up.

"But not too loud when there are guests," he said.

The Local spoke to an occupational psychologist in Stockolm, who admitted to being baffled by the decision.

"I think it's extremely strange. Unless there is an underlying diagnosis it is absolutely unbelievable that the job centre would pay pay out.

"If somebody has a gambling addiction, we don't send them down to the racetrack. We try to cure the addiction, not encourage it," he said.

Henrietta Stein, deputy employment director for the Skane region, is also puzzled by the move; "an interest in music" is not usually sufficient to qualify for wage benefits.

"Certain cases are confidential but in general there is always a medical reason that is well-documented," she said.

Tullgren currently plays bass and guitar in two rock bands and says that he tends to get a lot of positive reactions for daring to be himself.

"Some might say that I should grow up and learn to listen to other types of music but I can't. Heavy metal is my lifestyle," he said.

Courtesy of www.thelocal.se

If I told you that their was a certain movie that featured Gilbert Gottfried, Wayne Newton, Ed O’Neil, Lauren Holly, Priscilla Presley, Tone Loc, Vince Neil, Morris Day, Andrew Dice Clay and that weird guy who played Freddie Krueger would you call me a liar?

It’s almost inconceivable that one movie could offer so much talent.

Well, the comedic gem that I am talking about is the overlooked classic The Adventures of Ford Fairlane. Even though it was bashed by critics when it made its onscreen debut in 1990, I am in no way ashamed to admit that this movie is my favorite comedy of all time. Granted, Ford Fairlane is not the funniest movie, but it is my favorite because it is unbelievably original and full of fantastic, quotable one-liners.

The Adventures of Ford Fairlane definitely deserves a second look. The movie is about a Rock ‘n’ Roll Detective named Ford Fairlane (Clay), (see you are already interested by Rock ‘n’ Roll Detective) who must uncover the truth about a murder in the music industry. Andrew Dice Clay’s portrayal as the coolest guy in town is an absolute laugh riot. A great soundtrack, beautiful women, a sharp script and the ultimate supporting cast are just a few reasons why everyone needs to rediscover Andrew Dice Clay’s finest hour, 90 minutes.

If you offend easily, after all it is “The Diceman,” then this movie is not for you. However, if you are up for a fun filled spectacle then The Adventures of Ford Fairlane might just be your type of stupid comedy.

Judd Apatow has officially given birth to an entirely new comedic genre – Sweet Raunch.

One second audiences will be laughing hysterically at what just might be the most depraved movie line they have ever heard, and then immediately feel a sense of compassion due to a thought provoking, emotional movie moment. This is the perfect movie formula since Apatow’s comedies are pleasing to both males and females, making Knocked Up the ideal movie date compromise.

Though Knocked Up is not quite as non stop funny as its predecessor the 40 Year Old Virgin, it is however a superb, thought provoking film. Seth Rogen shines in his first leading role, and exhibits great chemistry with his immature male supporting cast. The last time I saw Katherine Heigl in a movie was when she was a teen in My Father The Hero. She has made a smooth transition from teen star to serious actress, and will most likely become a Hollywood leading lady. Knocked Up is a comedy that anyone with a sense of humor and a heart will enjoy.

Judd Apatow and Seth Rogen team up once again for the late summer release Superbad coming to theaters August 17th. The trailer for this movie has me climbing the walls in anticipation, not just because Judd Apatow is involved, but the main star of the movie is George Michael (Michael Cera) from Arrested Development. Michael’s laid back, blank slate acting style will alone be worth the price of admission.

Judd Apatow has officially given birth to an entirely new comedic genre – Sweet Raunch.

One second audiences will be laughing hysterically at what just might be the most depraved movie line they have ever heard, and then immediately feel a sense of compassion due to a thought provoking, emotional movie moment. This is the perfect movie formula since Apatow’s comedies are pleasing to both males and females, making Knocked Up the ideal movie date compromise.

Though Knocked Up is not quite as non stop funny as its predecessor the 40 Year Old Virgin, it is however a superb film. Seth Rogen shines in his first leading role, and exhibits great chemistry with his immature male supporting cast. The last time I saw Katherine Heigl in a movie was when she was a teen in My Father The Hero. She has made a smooth transition from teen star to serious actress, and will most likely become a Hollywood leading lady. Knocked Up is a comedy that anyone with a sense of humor and a heart will enjoy.

Judd Apatow and Seth Rogen team up once again for the late summer release Superbad coming to theaters August 17th. The trailer for this movie has me climbing the walls in anticipation, not just because Judd Apatow is involved, but the main star of the movie is George Michael (Michael Cera) from Arrested Development. Michael’s laid back, blank slate acting style will alone be worth the price of admission.