Michelle's Blog

I know I am not the only one who got up this morning and stopped to think of all I have thankful for, so here is my list. 
I am thankful for family. Without my family being there for me to help me and just listen to me when I am down and out, I would be lost. Especially this last year of my life where things have been rocky.
I am thankful for my children. They keep me focused. They are my reason for striving to be a better person. They have been my happy thoughts when I felt all had been hopeless. They keep my young, they make me laugh, they are my life. 
I am thankful for good health! I made the mistake of not putting my needs first, one fault many moms have. I will always be grateful that I am in good health and will be for as long as I am able to care for myself.
I am thankful for inner strength. Without that I would have fallen to pieces many times in my life, and this past year or so. It has been the reason that I am now able to live a free, happy, enriched life. One that is not predicted for me, yet being able to make my own future from here on out, is unmeasurable. 
I am thankful for new people in my life. If not for all of the above, my heart would not have been open to new people and the joy they have brought to my life these past 3 months. I have been able to be myself, to look at my qualities as well as my faults, and to embrace them without a tainted regret.
I bet I can think of more, but this is my list for now!
Happy Thanksgiving everyone !!!
Michelle

If someone close to you..someone who meant the world to you, someone you trusted with your life betrayed you..could you forget what they did? Could you forgive? Forgiveness is easy. I have a big heart, and well sometimes I feel I am a sucker..but I can forgive even my worst enemy. But the forgetting part..ugh. That part is what keeps me awake at night. I have the worst thoughts..feelings..doubts even when now I have been given no reason to doubt. Well when I think of it..there were many times I had no reason to doubt, yet.. I still had been betrayed. I just cant fathom.. being in the same shoes again. I just cant seem to move on. Why? is it just a make up of who I am? Am I sick..? I get so worried that this bad taste in my heart..will never go away. Then ive wasted so much time and energy. I just wish i had a crystal ball... and could see where I am 5 yrs from now. This way I'd know if this will pass or not..or I'd know that they were still untrue..but.. then.. Do I really want to know.. even if it would hurt so much?

Michelle

I have been reading all you guys blogs from time to time. I havent had a drive at all to write one single word. I looked at my last post..and all my old ones and thought, how I wish I were back at that same exact time in my life. Ignorance sure is bliss.

So much has happend. Real bad things have happend in my life since that last post. Up to even a week or so after. I have lost all my faith in people, men, even myself. I have lost my desire to write, read, listen to music, everything seems to be not interesting to me at all these days. Day to day I live in constant anxiety, fear, doubt. One thing,, I did lose a ton of weight. 30 pounds in all. Not the way I wanted to lose it, but one perk is I didnt have to get new clothes this summer, my really old stuff fit. I did not get baptised. I had to cancel the one most important thing in my entire life. I will be sure to attend classes once again and be where I want to be spiritually. I did get to see the Pope. That was incredibly lifting. These days I look for the small things to lift my spirits. I have been holding on tightly to being a good mom, since right now thats the most important role in my life.

I cant get into detail at all here, but just wanted to say I miss blogging. I need someplace to vent. Why not here? right?

Michelle

Once again, Valentines day is near and most of us are scrambling for special things to get our loved ones to show how much we care..

I'm a cheap date, so hubby helping with the food shopping this past weekend sure gave him some points so far :) Not that I don't want anything... a card and some tlc is always nice..

But! Does anyone have a Valentines wish list this year? Even single people can write in a list..

Job!!!!!!!!!!! I have been looking for a job for months!!! Yes there are many jobs out there, but I really needed one that was part time and close to home. I cannot afford to pay someone to pick my kids up from school, and a far away job with long hours meant they would have to give up all the after school activities they do, since hubby works late hours often,that made me very sad to ponder! So this job, is perfect. The hours, its close to home and I will be doing something I LOVE, working with small children !! I don't have to give up Girl Scouting, Church on sundays, sitting in during the week when the kids have class in church, only thing that will change is now I will be getting paid for what I was already doing :)

 

Yeaaahhhh @ Me :)

To all FOX5 bloggers and staff :)

Inspired by Daniel's recent topic, I don't think this was ever done here,

What if anything, does your screen name for FOX5 mean? What made you pick it?

Mines is easy, I consider myself to be a city person, and the #'s are in my life.  Boring eh? lol

       As I sat in my doctor's waiting room friday morning, on the tv played such boring clips. I figured it was watch that or read month old people magazines... so I watched. On came a snipit of a Sunday morning show, and the topic was a town in where a book had defined the whole towns outllook on life. How could this be? I thought. A book? Where this place is, oh heck I forgot, but the book was the power of positive thinking. It showed how the author of the book had instilled ideas into people of his town into the simple thought of " if you believe you will get what you want, then you will recieve it " No it's not a magic book, no they don't have any coupons in it. But when you think about it, when you do have a positive attitude about things in life, have you ever noticed how well things go your way? I thought to myself... " now for some reason this all sounds familiar to me ".

       That same day I had a road test for a job, and thought the whole way over there, " I can do this " . Now I cannot say if I passed yet, I have to wait for a letter in the mail to let me know if I have passed that test, and get the job, but I did go home that day, feeling good about the whole experience.

     Later that night as I cleaned out my closet I came across some books I collected as a kid. Whatdoyaknow....... I have THAT VERY SAME BOOK :) I remembered that it was given to me by my dad, when I lost my best friend and tried to do myself in. I had even highlighted sections of the book I thought were most fitting at the time, and how incredibly happy I was to have found it.

     So my inspiration to write this, is that I think a book is such a great gift, to anyone. One that is fitting for that persons life at that time, and hopefully they will look back and remember the past, and look at all they have overcome, and all that they have to be thankful for in the present.

( I am reading the book all over again :)

Michelle

Ever feel emotionally drained? It is such a bad feeling. It is one that comes from what feels like your soul. No caffeine, no nap, no happy movie can change that that feeling. I bet there are medications for that feeling, but who wants to be medicated through life? Plus when it wore off, the problem that made you feel that way is still there, there is no miracle cure for everything.

I guess without getting into too much detail, not many understand what I am even talking about. In fact I may even sound like a rambling idiot. But eh, if I can't vent here on my blog, where can I?

I can't stomach self pity. All my life I have felt that self pity would only drag out negative feelings. Self pity can only put up a wall between me and true happiness. Self pity to me is a crutch that some people use to excuse their bad behavior.

I grew up in a family riddled with self pity mongers. There are ones who will sing their sad song for anyone who hasn't hear it yet, and retell it to those who had forgotten. What gets me so disgusted is that, I have suffered the worst of them all, yet for some reason I have been "accused" as being the one who is the "favorite". I? I who had it far, far worse. I who to this day have nightmares of things I had to endure.

We all carry our cross. That is an expression I have heard for sometime now, yet I was not sure what my cross was. I think since I don't swim in self pity, that is my cross. My cross is being that one who is always trying the hardest to find the best out of bad situations. My cross is not letting what I have known, change my spirit.

Yet in all that I try live past, the self pity around me only rubs my face in negativity and heartache. It gets hard not to have some of that stay behind, it's hard to wash off. On these days I feel that drain. On these days I write. I write my little hearts content, and I don't even re read what I wrote. Maybe in some symbolic way the paper absorbs my pain.

Michelle

       I fell again. I had to add AGAIN in there, because it seems the older I get, the more clumsy I get ! I had 4 falls this year so far, and the year isnt over !

      Once coming out of church. That time was bad because I tried to break my fall and ended up hurting my wrists, broke my watch and all. One of our priests took me and my kids into their home and patched me up. That was nice, to be able to see where they live, eat, etc.

       Then after that I tripped going down some stairs, then coming up stairs. Not both the same day though... :) Oh wait and fell coming out of my car on my way to church this sunday, that time I fell on the grass, just my ankle was sore.

     Monday morning was a doooozy. The phone rings when I am taking a shower, soapy hair and all, I walk to get the phone. Swoosh, there I go and fall on my right hip, hit my head on the wall! I had to yell out to the kids to wake up and get the phone. Now I have a HUGE purple bruise on the side of my bum, oh yeah and my head was hurting.

      I guess if you are still reading this junk, my question is : when you fall, or trip in public, do you feel embarassed, or if you are perfect, and never fall, when you see someone fall down, do you stop to laugh? Or run like I do, and try to help out, since I know what its like to fall down all the time.. oh and no one has a chance to laugh at me much, since I am the first to laugh at myself :)

This morning on Fox, there was a story about drugs and weight gain.

http://www.myfoxny.com/myfox/pages/News/Detail?con
tentId=4650973&version=1&locale=EN-US&layoutCode=VSTY&p
ageId=3.5.1

I was taking meds for migrains last year, after noticeing my weight gain was going up fast, I did talk to my neurologist, he said that since I had been feeling better, slept better, I most likey ate more. After another 15 lbs packed on ( total of 30 now ), I missed my next appointment, and never took another pill. I felt very strongly that it was the meds. I am glad I seen it on FOX5, and as I read on the internet more, weight gain WAS a side effect !!

So far I lost 15 lbs! With the help of the Alli plan.  I have had more energy, and found that I can manage the migrains without the strong medication.

:)

Michelle

My 6th grader has to do a Rube Goldberg project, its a complex machine to do a simple task....

http://www.rube-goldberg.com/

thing is I need some ideas, so far we are thinking about a machine to ring a bell, I saved paper towel rolls and Im hitting the hardware store to gather some stuff. I think its a way too hard thing for a 6th grader.. but hey some 6 graders do way more complicated things !

Any ideas at all are GREATLY appreciated !

(I'll even bake you guys some cupcakes, if we ever get our get together going,,see how desperate i am !! )

Michelle

 

Summer is just about over. I started my season cleaning session today. Taking out shorts, skirts, etc. that I wont need till next yr or so. I was inspired to take a garbage bag and fill it with all kinds of things I felt I didnt need anymore. Inspired by mostly a book I read. I have grown tired of my usual reads and decided to pick up a self help book. Self help, me? That sounds strange to me since I always found those books to be good for nothing except making a great coaster, but the title caught my eye. " getting rid of body clutter " I naive as I am thought it was about making your household more organized, when I got into chapter 1 I immediatly knew it was about people, nothing to do with organization.

What I got from this book, was that we hold on to things in our lives that clutter our future. Internally, externally. We hold on to health problems with some strange sense of security, when we know we should be taking better care of ourselves. I have clutter from 3 pregnacies (external), some clutter even from lost friendships (internal).

 It helped me think objects though. Objects we hold on to. Small things that some may find totally useless, yet we just cant seem to trash it.

It could be baby clothes when we know we arent going to have anymore kids. A broken statue that was given to us by someone special, a peice of clothing that hasent fit us in oh so many years, but reminds us of our youth.

I keep a doll rabbit I had when I was 3. Im no spring chicken, so I can tell you its real old. I kept that doll, it was my security, It is my remider of how fragile childrens hearts are.

As I got into my closet more, when putting away the shorts, I came upon a shirt I had when I was 12 yrs old. I never wore it, it wasnt my taste, the color, the style, but It was given to me by my dad, in a time when I hadent seen anyone in my family for years. I took it out and thought to myself, "why did I keep something, that reminds me of nothing but pain" .

Then I realized it wasnt pain that moved me to keep it, it was that shirt that made be believe that there was someone who in fact cared for me in a time where I felt invisible, it was that shirt that gave me hope.

I put it back where it was.

Michelle

    The internet has been around for a long time now, and if some are close to my age, well we been "around" the internet from day one almost! Times sure have changed. AOL was always great to instant message people. Then came myspace, opening a huge can of worms for the planet. All the way down to the youtube.com facination. Oh if you havent looked on that sight, you WILL find it facinating! You can see just about anything on there..the good bad and yes even the ugly comes out in americans !

     It had me thinking. Am I the only one who takes vacations from the internet? It can be a day, a week, etc. It sure does make a difference.

    It gets heart wrenching sometimes, the worst that spews out of some people, here on the internet. Here where there is just about no reprisal. Here when people can write just about things where they would never ever say to someone in person. It does get tiresome.

   My thing is blogging here on myfox, and I also blog on an driving website. I used to be big on mom message boards, and instead of being a place to vent and get great advice, I got a lot of bickering, catty gossip. (maybe theres better sites out there for moms..I hope)

    I always live by the rule, "Treat others as you want to be treated".  Even when I am faced with the most ugliest (inside I mean !) people. I dont know what it is. My first reaction is always one that trys to show the other person how they are acting. Trust me, I do lose sleep at night on those days, thinking "I shoulda belted that person..etc".  Shoot I am human! One good thing was I met a few nice moms. One to this day I can call a real friend.

   Anyone else feel they need to take internet vacations from time to time?

Michelle

With the internet, it seems more and more there is nowhere to hide. Hide? Ok I mean more of, live a private life.

Countless sights have opened up all over the internet. Ones you can post up license plate #'s, warn people about cheaters, even ones where less than civil servants are shown for all the internet to see.

This made me think.

I for one try to live privately. I have not much to "hide" my life really isnt all that interesting , but I do hold my location, my day to day, and most important my childrens identity very far from the internets view. But so often I see sights where one can put up very private information about almost anyone they chose.

It made me think, am I the only one who has ever been curious to what is out "there" on the net about ourselves? Do we think about how others in the internet world percieves us? Do people purposly have internet identitys, ones where they can live their "internet lives" without worry of persecution?

Ha... that last line made me laugh.

Do you search the net for yourself?

I googled myself once. I got like 20 names all around the US that were similar. ( none were me.. that means I dont exsist?

:)

Michelle